PotHead and The Marijuana Stone - By Dana Larsen
CHAPTER 11 - TOKER ETIQUETTE
Hairy Pothead's absolutely favorite
class at Hempwards was Toker Etiquette, taught by Professor
Moruvva McGanjagal. For the first few lessons they had been
covering the basics of joint use: how to roll, when and
how to pass, keeping the circle, and common toking errors
such as fish-lipping, microphoning, and premature stubbing
of a viable roach.
Hairy loved learning all the different
ways to prepare and smoke marijuana. Yet in some ways
Hairy hated coming to Toker Etiquette as much as he did
Extractions. This is because Toker Etiquette was the only
other class that Growindor had together with the Snytcherins.
Professor McGanjagal had asked them
to bring their personal glass bongs to the next class,
and insisted that they be completely cleaned and fresh
for the lesson. Hairy had scrubbed his Double Bubbler
clean as new, using rock salt and isopropyl alcohol as
McGanjagal had suggested.
To start the class, McGanjagal had
all the students fill their bongs with water and then
hold them up for inspection. She examined each student's
grip and bong, adjusting a finger here, adding a little
water there, while explaining the basics of bong use and
"Bong toking involves three steps,"
she intoned seriously. "The initial Draw fills the
chamber with as much smoke as you think you can inhale.
Always start small so you don't choke. Next comes the
Breather. Cover the mouthpiece with your hand and catch
your breath. Finally you take the Hit, where you take
your thumb off of the carb hole and suck the smoke into
She continued to examine the students
as she spoke. "Make sure to clear the chamber of
stale smoke before you pass the bong. And of course, never
exhale into the bong, or you'll soon have a wet lap."
Next McGanjagal took out a big bag
of marijuana from out of her desk drawer and placed a
small bud into the bowl of Snytcherin student Colin DaCopper's
"I want each of you to take a
toke for me in turn," she announced, "so I can
examine your technique and style."
Colin lit his bowl and inhaled the
sweet smoke. While McGanjagal adjusted Colin's hands and
posture, Hairy felt something small and wet hit the back
of his head. He reached up and took a spitball out of
his dreads, then looked back and saw Narco smiling malevolently,
a straw in his hand.
As McGanjagal moved on to Shakey Bagbottom,
Hairy sat with his eyes closed, fuming and wondering how
to get Narco off his back. Suddenly, he heard a spluttering,
and saw that Shakey was gagging and coughing uncontrollably.
He had somehow inhaled a lungful of bongwater and seemed
to be spurting it out of his nose! McGanjagal took the
bong from his hands and helped him to his feet. Shakey
could barely stand, he was coughing and hacking up bongwater
and phlegm as McGanjagal held him and supported his weight.
"I'm going to have to take Shakey
to the nurse," she said as she led him to the door.
"You should all begin reading from page 27 of Best
of Cannabis Culture Vol 2, and keep on until I get back.
There is to be no unsupervised bong usage until I return."
Soon the students were all alone in
the class. Hairy glanced over at Gon, then opened his
textbook and began to read. He was immediately interrupted
by the sneering voice of Narco.
"Poor little Growindors, can't
handle your tokes? Looks like your star pupil Shakey likes
bongwater better than smoke."
Hairy couldn't restrain himself. "Shut
up Narco," he said loudly.
"Ooooh," mocked Narco, strutting
over to Hairy and putting his hands on his hips. "Whatcha
going to do Pothead? Cry to your mummy?" He smiled
cruelly. "Oh yeah, I forgot that she's dead."
Blinded with rage, Hairy rose up, ready
to throttle Narco, but his Snytcherin nemesis danced back
behind a desk and out of his reach.
While Hairy was distracted, Finke grabbed
Hairy's Double Bubbler from off of his desk. Before Hairy
could stop him, Finke had tossed the bong carelessly through
the air to Narco, who cought it easily in one hand.
"Give that back!" yelled
Hairy, jumping at Narco again, but he was blocked by the
hulking form of Teller who moved to stand in his path.
Narco backed away, stuffing a bud into
Hairy's bong as he spoke. "Nice bong Hairy,"
he sneered. "I wonder what it's like to smoke from
the same bong as the magnificent Hairy Pothead."
Narco flicked his lighter over the
bowl and drew in a large toke, and Hairy could see him
getting his filthy saliva onto the mouthpiece as he inhaled.
Hairy was enraged. Then he saw Gon duck around behind
Teller and grab Narco's black glass dragon bong from where
it was sitting unprotected on Narco's desk.
Gon hurled Narco's bong through the
air to Hairy, who ran back and almost stumbled over a
chair as he dove to catch it. Narco froze as Hairy managed
to catch the bong safely, and stuffed a bud inside the
bowl. The rest of the class applauded as Hairy evened
the score against Narco.
Hairy felt a bit disgusted to be using
Narco's bong, but he placed his lips against the dragon's
mouth and applied flame to the detachable bowl embedded
between its wings. He drew in a massive toke, staring
fixedly at Narco the whole time.
Narco, alarmed, expelled the smoke
from his lungs and put Hairy's bong back onto his desk.
"OK Hairy, enough's enough. There's your Double Bubbler
back, now give me mine."
Hairy held the mighty toke in his lungs,
and glared at Narco, unsure how to act. His moment of
indecision was all the chance that Finke needed, who simply
reached out and snatched back Narco's bong from out of
"Students!" came the voice
of Professor McGanjagal from the open doorway. "By
the seed and the stalk, what is going on here? Everyone
back to your desks, now!"
Hairy returned to his desk along with
the rest of the class, still holding a lungful of smoke,
now not daring to exhale the evidence of his misbehaviour.
He sat down at his desk and placed his now dirty and obviously
used bong on his desk in front of him. He glanced back
at Narco, and saw him smirking as he slid out the removable
glass bowl from his dragon bong, and slipped in a clean
one from his pocket.
"Has someone been toking up in
here while I was gone helping Shakey?" asked McGanjagal
sternly and sniffing the air. "I told you I wanted
no bong use while I was gone. Who disobeyed me?"
None of the students spoke. Hairy felt
his face growing red with embarassement, and with the
lack of oxygen as he still held his breath.
"Very well then," continued
McGanjagal slowly, surveying the class as she spoke. "I
will not be played the fool. I'll find the culprit."
She began walking slowly between their desks, eyeing each
bong as she passed. Hairy felt as if he was going to burst,
and he knew he would be in trouble when she saw his dirty
bong, but he still did not let himself exhale.
McGanjagal seemed to take forever to
reach him, walking up one row and down the next, pausing
briefly at Narco's desk, but then continuing on in silence.
Inside, Hairy seethed at how Narco had manipulated the
situation so that now Hairy would be the one facing punishment.
Finally, McGanjagal stood before Hairy's
desk, where she saw that Hairy's bong had obviously been
"Hairy Pothead, I am very disappointed
in you," sighed McGanjagal, with an odd glint in
her eye. "Please exhale."
Hairy slowly exhaled a huge cloud of
smoke as he finally let the toke go, then inhaled with
"Up Pothead, let's go," said
McGanjagal, and Hairy rose numbly, his fingers and toes
still tingling from holding in the toke for so long. Hairy
saw the triumphant look on Narco's face as he followed
in Professor McGanjagal's wake out of the classroom doors.
McGanjagal swept along without looking
back at him, and Hairy struggled to keep up. He felt terrible,
sure he was about to receive some horrible punishment,
or perhaps even be expelled. He felt his paranoia rising
as the cannabinoids from the massive hit continued to
flood his bloodstream and make his heart race. McGanjagal
led him down unfamiliar corridors until they stopped outside
another classroom, where she opened the door and poked
her head inside.
"Excuse me, Professor Kiseru,
could I borrow Hurd for a moment?"
Hairy wondered what she wanted with
the Captain of Growindor House. Was Olfyber Hurd going
to help in punishing Hairy?
"Follow me, you two," McGanjagal
said as Olfyber emerged from his class, looking puzzled.
She led them both to the end of the hall, and into an
"Hurd," she said, smiling
broadly, "I've found you a new Toker."
Olfyber's expression changed from puzzlement
"Are you serious, Professor?"
"Absolutely," said McGanjagal
crisply. "The boy's a natural. I've never seen anything
like it. He held in a huge blast for at least three minutes
Hairy didn't have a clue what was going
on, but he didn't seem to be getting expelled, and some
of the feeling was coming back into his extremities.
Olfyber suddenly looked at Hairy like
all his dreams had come true at once.
"Ever seen a game of Qannabbi,
Pothead?" he asked excitedly.
"Hurd is the captain of Growindor
team," explained McGanjagal.
"He's just the right build for
a Toker too," said Olfyber, walking around Hairy
and staring at him. "We'll need to get him a decent
vaporizer, professor, a Nimbus 4200 I'd say."
"I shall speak to Duinthadope
and see if we can't bend the first-year rule," said
McGanjagal. "By the Green Man, we need a better team
than last year!" She then peered over her glasses
at Hairy. "I want to hear that you're training hard,
Pothead, or I may change my mind about punishing you."
McGanjagal suddenly smiled. "Your
father would be proud," she added. "He was an
excellent Qannabbi player himself."
Professor McGanjagal left them alone
and Olfyber sat down across from Hairy.
"Qannabbi is a very popular sport
among Weedsters," began Olfyber excitedly. "It
is the most important game in the world. Do you understand
Olfyber continued without giving Hairy
a chance to reply.
"The rules of Qannabbi are simple
and elegant. Each team has five players. There's two Trimmers,
one Grinder, one Rollpacker, and one Toker."
"Right," said Hairy, trying
his best to memorize everything Olfyber was saying.
"The goal is for the team to clean,
prepare and consume their marijuana as quickly and efficiently
as possible. Each team begins with a set amount of unmanicured
marijuana buds. The actual amount depends on the level
of play, usually around an ounce for a standard match,
and up to four ounces for full-on international tournaments."
"Wow!" said Hairy.
"So the job of the Trimmers is
to quickly manicure the buds, removing the stalk and stem
and leaf without removing any buds. The each get one small
pair of scissors, and that's it. Your team gets penalized
if you clip away too much bud, the rules are very strict."
"I see," said Hairy, trying
to keep everything straight.
"The Grinder's job is to grind
the buds up into something more smokable. No tools are
allowed except for a standard hand grinder. The Rollpacker
will be rolling the ground-up buds into joints, and also
packing the bong and vaporizer for faster toking."
"But the biggest job on the team,
the one player who is the key, is the Toker. The Toker
has to inhale the smoke or vapour from every single bit
of bud. The Toker must have lungs of iron and a perfect
ability to maintain their high and not get the giggles
or munchies in the middle of a game."
"And that's me?" asked Hairy,
"If you've got half the lungs
that McGanjagal thinks you have, then I think you'll do
just fine." Olfyber took Hairy's hand in his and
gave it a firm shake. "Welcome to the team, Hairy