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Hairy PotHead and The Marijuana Stone - By Dana Larsen


Hairy Pothead's absolutely favorite class at Hempwards was Toker Etiquette, taught by Professor Moruvva McGanjagal. For the first few lessons they had been covering the basics of joint use: how to roll, when and how to pass, keeping the circle, and common toking errors such as fish-lipping, microphoning, and premature stubbing of a viable roach.

Hairy loved learning all the different ways to prepare and smoke marijuana. Yet in some ways Hairy hated coming to Toker Etiquette as much as he did Extractions. This is because Toker Etiquette was the only other class that Growindor had together with the Snytcherins.

Professor McGanjagal had asked them to bring their personal glass bongs to the next class, and insisted that they be completely cleaned and fresh for the lesson. Hairy had scrubbed his Double Bubbler clean as new, using rock salt and isopropyl alcohol as McGanjagal had suggested.

To start the class, McGanjagal had all the students fill their bongs with water and then hold them up for inspection. She examined each student's grip and bong, adjusting a finger here, adding a little water there, while explaining the basics of bong use and etiquette.

"Bong toking involves three steps," she intoned seriously. "The initial Draw fills the chamber with as much smoke as you think you can inhale. Always start small so you don't choke. Next comes the Breather. Cover the mouthpiece with your hand and catch your breath. Finally you take the Hit, where you take your thumb off of the carb hole and suck the smoke into your lungs."

She continued to examine the students as she spoke. "Make sure to clear the chamber of stale smoke before you pass the bong. And of course, never exhale into the bong, or you'll soon have a wet lap."

Next McGanjagal took out a big bag of marijuana from out of her desk drawer and placed a small bud into the bowl of Snytcherin student Colin DaCopper's bong.

"I want each of you to take a toke for me in turn," she announced, "so I can examine your technique and style."

Colin lit his bowl and inhaled the sweet smoke. While McGanjagal adjusted Colin's hands and posture, Hairy felt something small and wet hit the back of his head. He reached up and took a spitball out of his dreads, then looked back and saw Narco smiling malevolently, a straw in his hand.

As McGanjagal moved on to Shakey Bagbottom, Hairy sat with his eyes closed, fuming and wondering how to get Narco off his back. Suddenly, he heard a spluttering, and saw that Shakey was gagging and coughing uncontrollably. He had somehow inhaled a lungful of bongwater and seemed to be spurting it out of his nose! McGanjagal took the bong from his hands and helped him to his feet. Shakey could barely stand, he was coughing and hacking up bongwater and phlegm as McGanjagal held him and supported his weight.

"I'm going to have to take Shakey to the nurse," she said as she led him to the door. "You should all begin reading from page 27 of Best of Cannabis Culture Vol 2, and keep on until I get back. There is to be no unsupervised bong usage until I return."

Soon the students were all alone in the class. Hairy glanced over at Gon, then opened his textbook and began to read. He was immediately interrupted by the sneering voice of Narco.

"Poor little Growindors, can't handle your tokes? Looks like your star pupil Shakey likes bongwater better than smoke."

Hairy couldn't restrain himself. "Shut up Narco," he said loudly.

"Ooooh," mocked Narco, strutting over to Hairy and putting his hands on his hips. "Whatcha going to do Pothead? Cry to your mummy?" He smiled cruelly. "Oh yeah, I forgot that she's dead."

Blinded with rage, Hairy rose up, ready to throttle Narco, but his Snytcherin nemesis danced back behind a desk and out of his reach.

While Hairy was distracted, Finke grabbed Hairy's Double Bubbler from off of his desk. Before Hairy could stop him, Finke had tossed the bong carelessly through the air to Narco, who cought it easily in one hand.

"Give that back!" yelled Hairy, jumping at Narco again, but he was blocked by the hulking form of Teller who moved to stand in his path.

Narco backed away, stuffing a bud into Hairy's bong as he spoke. "Nice bong Hairy," he sneered. "I wonder what it's like to smoke from the same bong as the magnificent Hairy Pothead."

Narco flicked his lighter over the bowl and drew in a large toke, and Hairy could see him getting his filthy saliva onto the mouthpiece as he inhaled. Hairy was enraged. Then he saw Gon duck around behind Teller and grab Narco's black glass dragon bong from where it was sitting unprotected on Narco's desk.

Gon hurled Narco's bong through the air to Hairy, who ran back and almost stumbled over a chair as he dove to catch it. Narco froze as Hairy managed to catch the bong safely, and stuffed a bud inside the bowl. The rest of the class applauded as Hairy evened the score against Narco.

Hairy felt a bit disgusted to be using Narco's bong, but he placed his lips against the dragon's mouth and applied flame to the detachable bowl embedded between its wings. He drew in a massive toke, staring fixedly at Narco the whole time.

Narco, alarmed, expelled the smoke from his lungs and put Hairy's bong back onto his desk. "OK Hairy, enough's enough. There's your Double Bubbler back, now give me mine."

Hairy held the mighty toke in his lungs, and glared at Narco, unsure how to act. His moment of indecision was all the chance that Finke needed, who simply reached out and snatched back Narco's bong from out of Hairy's hands.

"Students!" came the voice of Professor McGanjagal from the open doorway. "By the seed and the stalk, what is going on here? Everyone back to your desks, now!"

Hairy returned to his desk along with the rest of the class, still holding a lungful of smoke, now not daring to exhale the evidence of his misbehaviour. He sat down at his desk and placed his now dirty and obviously used bong on his desk in front of him. He glanced back at Narco, and saw him smirking as he slid out the removable glass bowl from his dragon bong, and slipped in a clean one from his pocket.

"Has someone been toking up in here while I was gone helping Shakey?" asked McGanjagal sternly and sniffing the air. "I told you I wanted no bong use while I was gone. Who disobeyed me?"

None of the students spoke. Hairy felt his face growing red with embarassement, and with the lack of oxygen as he still held his breath.

"Very well then," continued McGanjagal slowly, surveying the class as she spoke. "I will not be played the fool. I'll find the culprit." She began walking slowly between their desks, eyeing each bong as she passed. Hairy felt as if he was going to burst, and he knew he would be in trouble when she saw his dirty bong, but he still did not let himself exhale.

McGanjagal seemed to take forever to reach him, walking up one row and down the next, pausing briefly at Narco's desk, but then continuing on in silence. Inside, Hairy seethed at how Narco had manipulated the situation so that now Hairy would be the one facing punishment.

Finally, McGanjagal stood before Hairy's desk, where she saw that Hairy's bong had obviously been recently used.

"Hairy Pothead, I am very disappointed in you," sighed McGanjagal, with an odd glint in her eye. "Please exhale."

Hairy slowly exhaled a huge cloud of smoke as he finally let the toke go, then inhaled with a gasp.

"Up Pothead, let's go," said McGanjagal, and Hairy rose numbly, his fingers and toes still tingling from holding in the toke for so long. Hairy saw the triumphant look on Narco's face as he followed in Professor McGanjagal's wake out of the classroom doors.

McGanjagal swept along without looking back at him, and Hairy struggled to keep up. He felt terrible, sure he was about to receive some horrible punishment, or perhaps even be expelled. He felt his paranoia rising as the cannabinoids from the massive hit continued to flood his bloodstream and make his heart race. McGanjagal led him down unfamiliar corridors until they stopped outside another classroom, where she opened the door and poked her head inside.

"Excuse me, Professor Kiseru, could I borrow Hurd for a moment?"

Hairy wondered what she wanted with the Captain of Growindor House. Was Olfyber Hurd going to help in punishing Hairy?

"Follow me, you two," McGanjagal said as Olfyber emerged from his class, looking puzzled. She led them both to the end of the hall, and into an empty classroom.

"Hurd," she said, smiling broadly, "I've found you a new Toker."

Olfyber's expression changed from puzzlement to delight.

"Are you serious, Professor?"

"Absolutely," said McGanjagal crisply. "The boy's a natural. I've never seen anything like it. He held in a huge blast for at least three minutes without straining."

Hairy didn't have a clue what was going on, but he didn't seem to be getting expelled, and some of the feeling was coming back into his extremities.

Olfyber suddenly looked at Hairy like all his dreams had come true at once.

"Ever seen a game of Qannabbi, Pothead?" he asked excitedly.

"Hurd is the captain of Growindor team," explained McGanjagal.

"He's just the right build for a Toker too," said Olfyber, walking around Hairy and staring at him. "We'll need to get him a decent vaporizer, professor, a Nimbus 4200 I'd say."

"I shall speak to Duinthadope and see if we can't bend the first-year rule," said McGanjagal. "By the Green Man, we need a better team than last year!" She then peered over her glasses at Hairy. "I want to hear that you're training hard, Pothead, or I may change my mind about punishing you."

McGanjagal suddenly smiled. "Your father would be proud," she added. "He was an excellent Qannabbi player himself."

Professor McGanjagal left them alone and Olfyber sat down across from Hairy.

"Qannabbi is a very popular sport among Weedsters," began Olfyber excitedly. "It is the most important game in the world. Do you understand Hairy?"

Olfyber continued without giving Hairy a chance to reply.

"The rules of Qannabbi are simple and elegant. Each team has five players. There's two Trimmers, one Grinder, one Rollpacker, and one Toker."

"Right," said Hairy, trying his best to memorize everything Olfyber was saying.

"The goal is for the team to clean, prepare and consume their marijuana as quickly and efficiently as possible. Each team begins with a set amount of unmanicured marijuana buds. The actual amount depends on the level of play, usually around an ounce for a standard match, and up to four ounces for full-on international tournaments."

"Wow!" said Hairy.

"So the job of the Trimmers is to quickly manicure the buds, removing the stalk and stem and leaf without removing any buds. The each get one small pair of scissors, and that's it. Your team gets penalized if you clip away too much bud, the rules are very strict."

"I see," said Hairy, trying to keep everything straight.

"The Grinder's job is to grind the buds up into something more smokable. No tools are allowed except for a standard hand grinder. The Rollpacker will be rolling the ground-up buds into joints, and also packing the bong and vaporizer for faster toking."


"But the biggest job on the team, the one player who is the key, is the Toker. The Toker has to inhale the smoke or vapour from every single bit of bud. The Toker must have lungs of iron and a perfect ability to maintain their high and not get the giggles or munchies in the middle of a game."

"And that's me?" asked Hairy, unbelieving.

"If you've got half the lungs that McGanjagal thinks you have, then I think you'll do just fine." Olfyber took Hairy's hand in his and gave it a firm shake. "Welcome to the team, Hairy Pothead!"


© Copyright 2007 Dana Larsen